Real Boyfriend
by Satan Abraham
Summary: "Oh, yeah, nobody tells anyone anything around here, might as well tell the guy I use to get rid of some sexual frustration and make sure I'm gay that I might have a real boyfriend soon. You know, the things that really matter." [howard/edilio] [implied onesided howard/orc] [mention of roger/edilio] [oneshot] [rated t for language]


Howard Bassem was pressed against the wall, hands entangled in Edilio Escobar's hair, kissing him as hard as was physically possible. They were in one of the abandoned houses that wasn't too messy, at least compared to the rest of the inhabitable FAYZ, though Howard didn't think that he'd notice anything like that with Edilio's lips pressing his as hard as they were.

Edilio drew away suddenly and Howard made a noise in the back of his throat. "I think me and Roger are going to be together soon," Edilio said abruptly. Howard sighed, leaning his head back against the door.

"I really don't think you know how much of a mood killer you can be sometimes, Deely-O," he said. He shifted, then stared Edilio straight in the eyes, noting irritably that Edilio had hit a growth spurt and now had at least three inches on him. "So what? Why do I care?"

"If we do," Edilio said, speaking carefully. "We're not going to do this anymore."

"Do what? Make out in abandoned houses and then act like nothing happened? I'm shocked, Edilio, I thought you were all about lying to people. Cheating should be second nature," Howard said drily, picking at his shirt. It was weird, what they had – they weren't particularly friends, though Howard did have a healthy amount of respect for the kid. Respect that, he was sure, wasn't returned. Still, he didn't think that Edilio hated him. He didn't think that Edilio had the capability to _really _hate anyone. "Nah. I figured as much. Still don't know why you're telling me, though."

"I thought you'd like to know," Edilio said. He looked uncomfortable. Howard laughed.

"Oh, yeah, nobody tells anyone _anything _around here, might as well tell the guy I use to get rid of some sexual frustration and make sure I'm gay that I might have a real boyfriend soon," he said. "You know, the things that really matter. But like I said. I don't care. I'll go back to cleaning up Orc's puke and listening to Drake threaten to kill me and poking my fingers open trying to make sure that Orc has at least a few spare pairs of shorts. Rock or not, I don't think anyone wants to see his junk hanging out. You can all thank me for that."

"I feel like you're taking this kind of hard," Edilio said. Howard stopped mid-speech and glared. Edilio grimaced and pushed hair back from his forehead. "Look. I know it's tough taking care of Orc-"

"_Tough, _that's the understatement of the century-"

"But the way I see it, you care about him, and even if you did have some other job, you'd be doing it anyway," Edilio said. Howard winced, because he was right. All Howard really did was make sure Orc didn't kill himself or others – and he wasn't always too great at the latter – but even if he was out in the fields picking vegetables, he'd be taking care of Orc. He'd be searching old houses for old mattresses and tarps and canvas. He'd be experimenting with brewing his own beer, he'd be looting houses for the real stuff.

"Yeah, well, if you haven't noticed, he's a rock with a crush on Astrid the Genius," Howard snapped. "So forgive me for not seeing much potential there. You ever got close to a _rock_? Just sleeping in the same vicinity gives you scrapes in places you don't want scrapes, imagine making out with one." He paused and thought a bit. "Well, hell, the resident genius seems to be the root of all of our problems. Both Sam and Orc are head over heels. Ain't Sam who you wanted a while ago?"

Edilio looked uncomfortable. "Roger."

"Oh, right, art-boy," Howard said. "The guy this entire thing was about. Forgot about him."

Edilio snorted, and Howard reached forward to grab him by the front of the shirt.

"Either way, it's not official yet," he said, pulling him closer and kissing him hard. Edilio kissed him back, and Howard could push thoughts of Orc and the fact that he was about to lose one of the only halfway-decent things in this sad excuse for a life as soon as said halfway-decent thing got the balls to ask out The Artful Roger.

* * *

**I'm not really sure where all of these Edilio/Howard oneshots are coming from. I mean, I love Orcward as much as the next person, but I… never really have any ideas for them. And I do for these guys, so this is what we get.**


End file.
